Lindsay Lohan is starring in the ABC Family movie Labor Pains this weekend, which we simply cannot wait for.

But her alter ego is appearing in something a little less family-friendly—but friggin' hilarious! Lohan's love life, trials and triumphs have inspired a porn movie, and you can check out the (nongraphic) trailer for it above.

Love the nod to E!, too, as this thing is even called Untrue Hollywood Stories. And gotta admire the audacity to not even switch L2 or Samantha Ronson's names for some similar, pornier monikers.

In fact, the girl playing Linds looks so much like her—are we sure it isn't her? It's not like we haven't seen her baring it all before anyway.

Scoring a GQ cover for a guy is kinda the equivalent to being front and center on Vogue for a gal. It's a delicious honor. Even A.T. stud-fave and summer blockbuster sensation Chris Pine could only could score an inside spread.

So behold the mugs of four of the summer cover boys: Zac Efron, Robert Pattinson, Brüno and Channing Tatum.

R.Pattz may have been the April issue, but let's face it, he's been everywhere in the media the past couple of months.

Now Rob addicts, let's be fair here—we're not judging only on looks. Take for ince Channing's abs, Brüno's controversial buzz-worthiness and Zac's public lady juggling. We wouldn't kick any of these guys outta bed. Well, except Brüno. Sacha Baron Cohen is questionable.

We adore the kids from Harry Potter, without question (after all, it's because of H.P. that Robert Pattinson first stepped into the spotlight!). But seeing the gaggle of some-hot, some-not young stars step out at the premiere of the sixth film makes us reminisce of another young crew at a big H'wood opening.

We remember (quite fondly, of course) when our favorite Twilight castmembers made their debut at the premiere of their film last year. In just one picture, there was sex, there was scandal and there was hot, hot, mouth-watering woo, especially between Rob and Kristen, natch.

Sure, the H.P. kids are comely in that wow-look-how-much-they've-matured-since-the-first-movie kind of way; Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe have come into their own and look fresh enough. But where's the smoldering, steamy friction that should be exuding off their bods? Where are the piercing eyes, the sexy smiles and the promiscuous expressions that our Twilight brood has in friggin' spades?

Nowhere, that's where.

What do you think? Is it better to make your debut with immediate, fiery, smoldering good looks, à la Twi, or to grow into your own and dazzle the crowd slowly over the years, à la Harry? Sound off in the comments!

In honor of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince smashing records already, we wanted to give the H.P. kids a pat on the back. They even beat out last summer's blockbuster The Dark Knight, grossing more money during midnight showings. Unreal!

They may not be as hyped-up of a cast as Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner, but we still totally adore Emma Watson, Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint.

Check out red carpet leftovers above from the New York premiere of Harry Potter. They all look just too cute. But we can't help but raise the question: Does the cast have the same sizzling chemistry as its cult competitor Twilight?

E!'s Michael Yo asked the Potter crew if it's weird having to shoot intimate scenes with your close friends. Strange thing is, we totally believe the platonic nature of the cast's relationship.

"It's quite funny," Radcliffe dishes. "I think it's weirder for Emma and Rupert than it is for me. Even though, when I met Bonnie she was 9 and I was 11. That's a bit weird!"

Don't you just want to pinch Daniel's cheeks? These kids just seem so PG—which totally isn't a bad thing for their age. We just have no desire to watch them rip each other's clothes off. Totally unlike the Twi group who has, shall we say, much more believable chemistry.

Which do you all think is the hotter cast? We haven't seen the new Potter flick yet, but if the onscreen lip smacking is as sweet as it was in the last one, we think we'll watch H.P. 6 for the plot, not the heat.

Don't bet on Graceland West. I was working in the Los Olivos area during the Staples event, and while talking with residents, it became clear there's vehement opposition to the possibility of Neverland becoming a major attraction—and these people have the money and connections to block it. Access is a major issue certainly, but one neighbor pointed out to me that there are two boarding schools that share the road leading to the property. When I heard that it gave me a chill.
–Duncan Denise

Dear Graceland 2.0:
Those residents might have money, but fandom can be quite powerful. Plus, we're sure Joe Jackson wouldn't mind somehow getting his paws on all the cash that would come from opening Neverland up to the public.

Dear Ted:
Did anyone else notice that when Michael Jackson's daughter, Paris, spoke at his memorial, not one member of the Jackson family comforted her? Oh, they pretended to, but generally they adjusted the microphone, hovered and got in the camera shot, but no one truly comforted the child who was obviously distraught. Hope someone steps up to the plate soon and continues even when the camera's are off.
–Cathy

Dear Poor Paris:
Were we watching the same show? (Er, I mean memorial.) She looked comforted onstage to me, but backstage may have been a different story.

Dear Ted:
Terry Tush-Trade is Ashley Greene—slim, hot and badass. Her bisexual lover is Jackson Rathbone and they were brought together by Catherine Hardwicke. Right?
–Monna

Dear Wishful Thinking:
Wrong! Close, though.

Dear Ted:
What's with your overwhelming hate for Nikki Reed? I've seen no proof for her doing anything for the amount of hate.
–Lostfader

Dear Nikki Knocking:
Obviously you're new to this site.

Dear Ted:
Although Breaking Dawn has some serious flaws, if the movie has to be made, it should be rated R. Maybe Summit can should do an R-rated Breaking Dawn and then edit some of the racier scenes to simultaneously release a PG-13 version. The under-17s can see the PG-13 version over and over, and if the filmmakers add some different scenes to the PG-13 version, the over 17s will want to see it too. Summit actually could make twice the money since all the fans eventually would see both, own both versions on the DVDs, etc.
–Diana

Dear Too Much Trouble:
Don't count on it. Why bother with an alternate film when everyone will go running to see the PG-13 version no matter what's in it? It could be Rob Pattinson staring at a wall for two hours and we'd still go. Twice.

Dear Ted:
You have lured me into the Robsten drama! I believe that you might be caught between how much info you can and cannot give out about their situation? It is very early on to tell, but recent pics of Kristen Stewart playing Joan Jett looks as though she might have a possible "bump" as we know she usually sports a flat stomach. So is this the "lady drama" you speak of and if this is proven to be true how would it effect the next two movies and their relationship? Would Rob Pattinson stick by her?
–Arabella

Dear Mythical Mama:
It's not true, as much as you want little Robstens running around. And Rob would do the right thing, which is whatever Kris wants him to do.

Dear Ted:
So what about the rest of Hollywood—is there anything gossip-worthy about them, too? I mean ones whom we admire but never really get to read about much, but would die to get the juice about. Was thinking John Cusack, Harrison Ford, Tom Hanks, and the likes of them... or are they too big to be hinted at being part of a BV?
–Han on the Run

Dear Mystery Men:
Most of them already got their Vices out a long time ago and have settled into a more domestic routine. Except for pathetic Sean Penn, of course.

Dear Ted:
Love the column—you're more enjoyable than a tall cup of coffee to get me through the day! Anyway, I'm a die-hard Arrested Development fan and have always wondered about Jason Bateman. Is he really one of the only child stars to make it through life okay, or does he also have demons in his closet?
—Megan

Dear Anti-Tatum:
Jase is either one of the lucky ones, or he knows how to hide it well. Jodie Foster's doing pretty damn well for herself, too, tho we can't agree with how she ended her last relaysh.

Dear Ted:
Can you please help a bit more by answering this question: Is Terry Tush-Trade a male?
–Rebecca

Dear Sex Searcher:
Male tendencies, yes.

Dear Ted:
What do you know about the Breaking Dawn movie? If you've read the book, you'll know that we are expecting a good movie...How close to the book do you think it'll be? I mean do we'll get the shirtless Edward and the perfect honeymoon?
—Sandripaty

Dear Well-Read:
I guarantee you'll get as much shirtless R.Pattz as allowed in a PG-13 flick.

Dear Ted:
Why do you think Judas Jack-Off and Dingle Dream going more covert is ultimately pretty dumb? I'd like to know more about your thoughts on closeted actors and how serious is this issue.
—Prena

Dear Explanation:
Better to zip it than to fake it, every time.

Dear Ted:
Why didn't M.J. leave his kids to Janet? She seems normal, as well as financially stable. Did they have a tiff that I'm unaware of?
—C in Akron

Dear Brothers and Sisters:
Janet doesn't want kids. Otherwise she would have had some of her own by now, since she's got the longtime man in her life and the means to support as many kids as Angie has. But I bet she'll continue to be a very generous aunt.

Dear Ted:
Is Emma Uh-Oh's ex-boyfriend into meth too? I have a feeling that he knows how "bad" it is and decided "breaking" up with her was his only choice. Thanks for keeping me informed!
—Alana

Dear Methed Up:
Tho he's certainly surrounded by the stuff while dealing in H'wood, he knows better than Em. That's why he couldn't put up with her anymore.

Dear Ted:
Do you still think Stephen Moyer is hotter than Alexander Skarsgård after looking at this pic? Hee hee.
—HSHSHSHS

Dear Vamp Love:
Moyer certainly does seem like a Smurf compared to Skarsgard in that pic! Let's agree that both dudes are way hot—but Ryan Kwanten's still our Rob of True Blood!

Dear Ted:
I enjoy reading your column although the haters have been unleashed lately and often I get really pissed reading all the stupidities they said. I really appreciate if you could answer me if Nevis Divine is from England or Australia?
–Latina

Dear Divine Digging:
What makes you think ND's Continental accent is from one of those places?

Dear Ted:
This isn't a question just a thank you for your Robsten reports. I am a married 30-year-old Twilight-addicted mom, and a Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart fan. I feel bad for the constant attention those two suffer for the fans but still find myself googling them daily. I appreciate your reports that give me enough info without invading their lives. Those two deserve a break! But please, keep me filled in!
—Nbrayman

Dear Robsten Anonymous:
I'm married myself and totally into Robsten. Welcome to the club!

Dear Ted:
Is M.J.'s family really grieving for him? I know this is insensitive for me to ask, but Michael Jackson's memorial was so grand, that I was actually offended by the spectacle. It felt like some were forcing themselves to cry. I don't know, it just felt fake at times.
–Dnnro

Dear Forceful Mourning:
I was simultaneously moved and disgusted by the whole thing myself.

Dear Ted:
I'm a fairly new reader of A.T. and love that you not only deliver the juiciest gossip, but also share bits of your personal life (the beautiful tribute to Butch ) and political views (Prop 8). I am dying to figure out the identity of Nevis Divine and hope you will answer this question: Besides his acting skills, is Nevis also known to be musically talented?
—Ange

Dear Divinely Goods:
He is, but that's not what he's known for.

Dear Ted:
Was wondering, since the ol' Harry Potter machine is roaring to life again, if any of the main three actors have ever been a Blind Vice?

Dear Ted:
I don't know if your latest post (Addictionary) did more good or harm to Kristen Stewart. Bless her heart. That is one tough cookie, and I for one am glad she knows how to use her middle finger. Mine would have calluses by now. This is a lady who will go far in life. She has just the right amount of femininity and kick ass. Rob is one lucky boy!
—Jennifer

Dear Spunky Stewart:
Oh, I know Kristen can handle all the unnecessary crap that's coming her way. I just needed a good word to describe it. She can take everything we can throw, fer sure.

Dear Ted:
What do you think of Sarah Palin's latest shenanigans? Do you think she really has a shot at becoming president in 2012 or later, like some of the GOP pundits are saying? Or is she fated to become a female Rush Limbaugh? Also any news on why she quit?
—Ellen

Dear Chanceless:
Sarah stands as good of a chance at being president in 2012 as Robsten do of becoming prez and vice prez. Not a bad idea, actually. Should Kristen be president while she lets Rob Pattinson have the easier, cushier time of it? By the way, Palin quit because she's deranged and because she knows the knives are out for her big time, she wanted to head them off at the scandal-laden pass, as it were.

Dear Ted:
My daughter's roommate mentioned today that she gets all of her gossip from Perez Hilton, especially the Twilight stuff. After I calmed myself down and after laughing hysterically, I informed her that his gossip comes exclusively from my main man, Ted, and she needs to get the goods from the A.T. and not some second-hand source. They are only 19, just college kids, but they need to learn gossip the correct way, right?
—Annie

Dear One Way:
I'll let it slide, just this once.

Dear Ted:
Not that she's obligated to the public or anything, and also, I am aware that Farrah Fawcett also died that day, but I haven't heard or read anything from Tatum O'Neal about Michael Jackson's death. If someone writes a song about you, a comment might be in order. Whaddya think?
—Jules

Dear Touchy Subject:
Not only did she already release a statement about Michael's death, but she also recently opened up about their relationship in a nutshell. But even if you missed those, it's still a tough situation for her, don't you think? Hard one to call.

Dear Ted:
"Being miserable. Totally over it. (I am, too.)" Oh no, please don't do this to me. You know I am your special Mexican fan, and I beg you to explain this to me. I'm not a girl anymore. I can handle the Awful Truth. Robsten are no longer together, right? Tell me, Ted. I promise I won´t cry (well, one or two tears).
—Valeria

Dear Misery Loves Company:
Don't worry your pretty little head. Robsten's still the real deal.

Dear Ted:
Just a comment. The way the Jacksons put Michael's children on show like that was truly pathetic. Janet Jackson should win an Oscar for her performance as a loving aunt because that's all it was, a performance. Poor kids don't stand a chance.
—K

Dear Skeptic:
Acting or not (and I say not), you gotta feel for that moment when young Paris crumbles into Aunt Janet's arms. Still, I'm sure some of this newly kindled limelight is being used to full potential by some other members of the Jackson clan.

Dear Ted:
Is there some standard for mourning that I don't know about? Why exactly did you bash Diana Ross for not attending Michael Jackson's funeral? The dead don't care how anyone mourns—funerals are for the living (at worst, so they can judge others). Whatever helps you through tough times; it can be much more healing to grieve in private rather than at a PR circus like Jackson's funeral.
—MKL

Dear What's the Diff:
If Diana wanted to grieve privately, cool, I can respect that. But she sent out a halfass press release! It's all or nothing in this town, babe. She could have at least been a little more candid as to why she decided to play hooky from the funeral for the father-of-her-possibly-future-adopted-children.

Dear Ted:
I love all the Robsten info and wasn't really into blogging before reading yours. I wanted to know if Brad and Angelina got all this heat and nasty feedback before they officially came out as a couple? Thanks for all your info and keep it coming.
—Amanda

Dear Ya Think?
Did they ever! Think of Robsten times a million. But Brange was sure to be outted since they were getting superserious, adopting left and right.

Dear Ted:
With the obvious exception of the sex tape, which helped catapult Paris to fame (or notoriety), why is it that none of her ex's seem to cash in on dating her after it's over? Could it possibly be out of respect? My instincts say no, but who am I to say? On a side note, I love the way you report your gossip! Witty, charming and perfectly biting. Your writing style is truly unique, fun and engaging.
—RTKO

Dear Not So Much:
Good taste in gossip bloggers, bad taste in men. Nice would not categorize any of the slew of men Paris has conquered—now or ever.

Dear Ted:
Love your column, been reading it for years, but I've never seen you as obsessed with a subject as you are with Robsten! Well, maybe Toothy Tile. Are focusing on them so much because they are the hot thing that will bring people to your column?
—Marcy

Dear We're Not Superficial!
If you look in the A.T. archives (which are stuffed with mucho dishy non-Robsten stories), you can see how my love for Rob, Kristen and subsequently Robsten, has grown over the past year—regardless of the headlines surrounding them. Sure, they're hot, but that's not the only reason why I love them. They're a screw-the-rest-of-'em renegade duo, and that's what I feel—honestly—takes them to the next level.

Dear Ted:
I have a question: Did Kristen call it quits with her boyfriend?
—Lil Lady

Dear State the Obvious:
Which one?

Dear Ted:
I've heard speculation that the real reason we haven't seen Nikki Reed is because she was feeding info to the media and paparazzi. Summit found out and now has her on lockdown. Do you think this is true? Also, I totally thought Terry Tush-Trade was Kellan Lutz, but you said something in response to another guess that made me think it could be one of the human castmembers...any clues?
—20-something and Twi obsessed.

Dear Close for Comfort:
If you remember my Truth, Lies & Ted a while back, you'll know that the cast suspected Nik of selling them out. I think that's what got her ousted by the Twi in-crowd. But she'll be back in with them, trust me on this one.

Dear Ted:
Diane Lane, the sexy, classy, beautiful, talented, fun actress is being cheated on? Well I guess most people have to deal with that painful heartbreaker. Brigitte Bardot got cheated on too! Can you imagine that—even B.B., just to name one of the most beautiful women who got betrayed. What does it take to be faithful to a woman, Ted?
—Ornetari

Dear It Breaks My Heart (and Theirs, Too):
Adultery is the oldest crime in the book, sweetheart, and it never gets any easier to explain why someone cheats. People do crazy things when they follow their hearts...or in some cases, just their hard-ons.

Dear Ted:
Has David Boreanaz ever been a Blind Vice? He seems like the nice guy. True?
—Nid

Dear Boring-anaz:
Uh, not always. And the answer is most definitely yes.

Dear Ted:
I love your blog and as a 17-year-old, die-hard Twilight-obsessed freak, I love your Robsten updates. Surprisingly my question has nothing to do with Robsten. Has Hayden Panettiere ever been a Blind Vice? If so, I know exactly which one.
—Pink Tweet

Dear Give Me a Harder One:
Oh, do you? Well, then, I guess you don't need me to tell you Hayden most certainly has been the subject of a Vice—or two.

Thank God the Emmys nominated a handful of funny people who know how to make a statement: Julia-Louis Dreyfus is "really looking forward to kicking Tina Fey's ass!" Amy Poehler is "pumped for some high-octane, heart-thumping, hard-core Emmy action!"

But these funny, fitting statements stand alone among incredibly bland reactions. What's with getting all droll when awards season starts—will a personality make people think they aren't taking it seriously? Please.

We consider it our duty to rewrite some of these yawn-worthy reactions, take a peek:

• Jane Krakowski, Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series, 30 Rock

What She Said: "I'm so honored to be part of this ensemble. This is my first Emmy nomination; I'm so excited! I am blown away by the number of nominations the show has received and thrilled for everyone."

What She Should've Said: "I already have a friggin' Tony, this is way overdue since Calista stole my thunder on Ally McBeal."

• Alec Baldwin, Best Actor in a Comedy Series, 30 Rock

What He Said: "I'm thrilled for everyone connected to the show. It's great working with the entire group, and I'm grateful for the recognition of our work."

What He Should've Said: "[Laughs uproariously] Duh."

• Seth MacFarlane, Best Comedy Series for Family Guy

What He Said: "We're thrilled to see Family Guy and American Dad recognized by the Academy. We have a great team of people that work incredibly hard on both shows. I'm really proud of them."

What He Should've Said: "Screw you, Simpsons! How long have you been on the air, two decades? We got canceled twice and still got the Best Comedy Emmy nom you never did! Ha!"

• Glenn Close, Best Actress in a Drama, Damages

What She Said: "I'm thrilled. I'm part of a phenomenal team and am so, so happy for all our nominees."

What She Should've Said: "Uh, did you guys just copy and paste the exact same list of nominees from last year? You can't fool me by adding in Elisabeth Moss! I'm Glenn Close! I know all!"

• Kevin Dillon, Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series, Entourage

What He Said: "I am so glad to be part of such a great show! I share this nomination with my fellow actors and am honored to be working with the best cast and crew in town."

What He Should've Said: "It's great to be nominated again with my costar Jeremy Piven. Oh wait, he wasn't nominated this year? Even though he won the past three years in a row? It couldn't be because he pissed off everyone in Hollywood could it?"

• Tina Fey, Best Actress in a Comedy Series, 30 Rock

What She Said: Nothing yet. Out of character for her to be so silent!

What She Should've Said: "You're going down, Dreyfus!"

Could all the Kristen Stewart hating finally be coming to an end? Looks that way if her lovah Robert Pattinson has anything to do about it.

Overnight, R.P. has suddenly become the big media target. OK Magazine is giving Rob a hard time for supposedly being a bad tipper! The tab dishes that after downing drinks and fancy-schmancy food like veal Milanese at Il Cantinori, Pattz and his crew were really cheap.

"The group left a tip of only $50—just shy of the standard 15 percent, and way shy of what you'd expect," reports OK.

So was that the worst of it all?

Yes and no. The waitress still said that Rob and his group were "very nice and friendly."

The mega heartthrob may be quite reminiscent of a young Johnny Depp, but he's nowhere near Johnny's level—in many ways. Seriously, was this waitress expecting a $4,000 tip? At least R was no Jeremy Piven, leaving the gal with a Twilight DVD (although if many of you were serving Robert, we doubt you'd object either way).

Obviously, sexy P is just trying to take the heat off his gal who's getting hit snarky-ass left and right by the media (and fans) these days. Clearly, R.Pattz is back out there again distracting the paps and myriad haters with his musky man scent, stinky tobacco digits and messier hair than ever, not to mention totally bogus chick outings that the media's eating up, baited hook, line 'n' sinker.

Always the gentleman, ain't he?

This is why Robert does no wrong. Not in our books. Oh, and let's hope Kristen repays him real nice next weekend. We're almost nervous for the Robsten reunion! After all the time apart, we think Comic-Con will be quite telling of what's to come.

As we've said before, we are totally into True Blood, and obviously Twilight, so we're all about anytime the sexy vampires cross paths. Even though we weren't so keen on hottie Stephen Moyer's choice words for Edward Cullen (aka Robert Pattinson), calling him the Diet Coke of vampires, we agreed on the sentiments. Now back off for a sec! You can't seriously watch T.B. and say it isn't raunchier and more hard-core.

We ran into True Blood alum and Kellan Lutz pal Robert Parks-Valletta last week and had to get a little round three going.

"The Twilight guys are a lot different than us True Blood folks," Parks-Valletta said. "I agree with [Stephen]! True Blood is more Coca-Cola. [Twilight] is mainstream, but we're the real deal."

Stinger! So can the Twi guys get in on the fun action too?

We chatted it up with ESPN honcho Chris Berman at the ESPY Awards this week and had to get the real dish from the sports guru 'bout some of his famous athlete friends—like Tom Brady and Tony Romo (more on him and Jess tomorrow).

First up, we were dying to get some dirt on Gisele Bündchen and that too-gorge husband of hers. It just makes life seem unfair that this pretty and talented pair are actually a match made in gene pool heaven, no? After all, last time we checked in with some of Tom's buds, they weren't so keen on the supermodel ex to Leo DiCaprio. Remember?

Is this it for Tom? Is Gisele his perfect match?

"Our room! It was beautiful. We had no walls and were naked all day. Never left!" —A laughing Kendra Wilkinson at the ESPY Awards, about the best part of her honeymoon with hubby Hank Baskett. Are any of you that surprised? This boobalicious and all-out-there star wouldn't celebrate long-lasting commitment any other way, and that's why we sorta have a thing for her. K.W. also said she and Hank will officially know the sex of their first kid in a couple of weeks. We're siding with Kendra on this one and betting it's going to be a boy. She's just being so butch lately

We're totally disappointed our naughtier, TV version of Twilight, True Blood, didn't get one damn friggin' single Emmy nom, not even any of the delicious actors involved. Doesn't the Academy drool over fangs and abs like we do? Apparently not. But even more absent from the Emmy noms list than Paqmo was the grab bag of attention-whore celebs you see in the rags and especially in this here blolumn. Think that's a coincidence?